Friday, August 23, 2013

BuzzFood

A Rail Tanker carrying Oatmeal near Dinglepass, Pennsylvania exploded, raining rolled oats over three counties. A nearby Boxcar of White Raisins was undamaged.

Yesterday morning, at around 10:38 E.S.T., the Universe apparently imploded at the speed of light, and immediately hyper-inflated back to it's original state. As far as investigators could detect, the only anomaly noticed was a slight darkening of a port-wine facial trait of a woman in Clipt, Florida.

Tryitt Foods today announce the release if its new chicken flavored Chicken Again Bites. Reviewers have reported that it tastes just like chicken.

Start-up business investor group, Kick-Some-Cans, received a hearty round of donations for a new business, called Impmations, that will revolutionize the way we read. Impmation's business involves expanding the Alphabet to 826 letters.

Feathers received a much-needed evolutionary upgrade, as the Vanes are now, sleeker, lighter and more aerodynamic, through the use of a Titanium-Aluminum keratin.

A spate of consumer demand caused an upsurge in new orders and market indicators inched forward as bond traders responded. Economists are divided about the significance of the new report, with some saying it is unsustainable, while others remained cautiously optimistic.

Textile Workers in Prink, Indonesia struck for the 4th week in demand for a cool, tall, glass of water.

Animated cartoon producers Seth Parker, Trey Groening and Matt MacFarlane have announced a new show with the trio collaborating on a series called “Stupid Cupid.” It is the story of an overweight Butler in his mid 50's and his heartwarming stories of life in an apartment with his juvenile master of the house and his single Dad.

Pharmaceutical giant Psyclops announced release of a new drug that will both cause, and ease the symptoms of, self-alienation. When asked why they would market such a pill, a spokesman responded, “Just leave me the fuck alone.”

An alter ego Daisy has made it's debut on NBC's Soap Opera, “In the Back Room.” The Daisy is identical with it's counterpart, but cross-dresses as a Black-eyed Susan.

Grammatical International has announced the suspension of pronouns. Executive member Blake Interspoon said it was He His idea that all of the world's people go by proper names. He could not be reached for comment, though He is aware His idea has stirred controversy.