A Rail Tanker carrying Oatmeal near
Dinglepass, Pennsylvania exploded, raining rolled oats over three
counties. A nearby Boxcar of White Raisins was undamaged.
Yesterday morning, at around 10:38
E.S.T., the Universe apparently imploded at the speed of light, and
immediately hyper-inflated back to it's original state. As far as
investigators could detect, the only anomaly noticed was a slight
darkening of a port-wine facial trait of a woman in Clipt, Florida.
Tryitt Foods today announce the release
if its new chicken flavored Chicken Again Bites. Reviewers have
reported that it tastes just like chicken.
Start-up business investor group,
Kick-Some-Cans, received a hearty round of donations for a new
business, called Impmations, that will revolutionize the way we read.
Impmation's business involves expanding the Alphabet to 826 letters.
Feathers received a much-needed
evolutionary upgrade, as the Vanes are now, sleeker, lighter and more
aerodynamic, through the use of a Titanium-Aluminum keratin.
A spate of consumer demand caused an
upsurge in new orders and market indicators inched forward as bond
traders responded. Economists are divided about the significance of
the new report, with some saying it is unsustainable, while others
remained cautiously optimistic.
Textile Workers in Prink, Indonesia
struck for the 4th week in demand for a cool, tall, glass
of water.
Animated cartoon producers Seth Parker,
Trey Groening and Matt MacFarlane have announced a new show with the
trio collaborating on a series called “Stupid Cupid.” It is the
story of an overweight Butler in his mid 50's and his heartwarming
stories of life in an apartment with his juvenile master of the house
and his single Dad.
Pharmaceutical giant Psyclops announced
release of a new drug that will both cause, and ease the symptoms of,
self-alienation. When asked why they would market such a pill, a
spokesman responded, “Just leave me the fuck alone.”
An alter ego Daisy has made it's debut
on NBC's Soap Opera, “In the Back Room.” The Daisy is identical
with it's counterpart, but cross-dresses as a Black-eyed Susan.
Grammatical International has announced
the suspension of pronouns. Executive member Blake Interspoon said it
was He His idea that all of the world's people go by proper names. He
could not be reached for comment, though He is aware His idea has
stirred controversy.
